Shelter from the Storm
Luscious sounds of rumbling thunder and rain tapping on skylights. Still dark at 6:30.
After preparing a solo dinner last night with rappacini from the farmers market and a glass of wine, I lay down on the bed for a nap, which lasted until this morning. Tensing with the pains in my back and joints all day left me exhausted. Settling under the old feather comforter felt wonderful, as if I had been up all night or spent hours at hard labor in the cold, even though it hadnt been a strenuous day, especially by comparison to Jan’s, who was at a Council meeting that would probably go till midnight. I’d accompanied Lucas and Claire to the dentist in Arroyo Grande, driven home for lunch, driven back to A.G. at Dennis’ request to take Ian out of school and get his cast removed, gone with him to the beach to look at storm waves and topple little sand cliffs, and then stopped at the nursing home to see Ruth. It was a shock to find her no longer dressed in her wheelchair, but sprawled in bed in a flimsy hospital gown without glasses or hearing aids or false teeth, her mouth shriveled and gaping, her hair lusterless, her skin gray, her brow furrowed. I announced my presence and took her hand. She squeezed it once, then pushed it away, shuffled on the mattress, and resumed fingering the edge of her gown. One word escaped her: “help.” Then she quieted, apparently off to morphine-induced sleep, though her brow never relaxed.
The night before, Jan prepared an elegant dinner for Patricia whom we hadn’t seen in two years, since before her cancer diagnosis, radiation, chemo, and surgery. She was as vital, busy and considerate as ever, full of lighthearted stories of her ordeal and triumph, of recollections of experiences we’ve shared, of questions about us and the family, and of her own burgeoning plans for this year”directing six productions at PCPA while teaching full time.
On the topic of feeling pain during her new exercise-physical therapy routine I was especially engaged”trying to distinguish between the benefits of pushing limits of endurance and recognizing signals to pull back, use drugs, seek medical help. The knee surgeon had told me two weeks ago to take four Aleve per day to see if that reduced swelling, but after reading of the long-term side effects of such regular use, I was experimenting with doing without it and working in the yard. The results were not encouraging.
All this wintry local experience takes place within the darker framework painted by the news flooding in on radio, internet, and newspaper. The failure of Obama’s promise, confirmed by the fizzling of the Copenhagen talks on climate change, the widening of war in Afganistan, the increase of debt and reduction of government services, and by yesterday’s Republican victory in Massachusetts. And behind this political gloom lurks the metaphysical horror of the earthquake in Haiti.
I’m in the habit of preceding my morning meditation with prayers to a god whose existence I don’t believe in. I make three silent utterances beginning, “Thank you,” “Please,” and “I’m sorry.” The Please is most often for cure of disease or alleviation of suffering by friends and family members: “let the chemo work for T¦, let the tumor be benign for P, let R rest in peace.” These requests affirm my concerns, discharge obligations and create the illusion of sending positive influence their way through my obeisance to a higher power. But when I think of the suffering in Haiti, the Please bounces back at me. Even suspending disbelief and regressing to the innocence of the first graders in Ian’s school who a dozen times a day hear of God’s benevolent intentions, I cant imagine a personality who would unrelentingly torment so many people while allowing me to listen to their story on the radio as I cook myself supper.